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Showing posts from August, 2011

The Wavering

It has occurred to me that in very short order I will be changing the way that I do everything in my life.  That's not something I like to do in general.  I like it when things stay the same, and there is the temptation to simply sit back and let my life go by.  To continue the way I am would be the easiest way to kill myself, and to do that by eating myself deeper and deeper into obesity.  By staying on this path I will effectively destroy my spirit and self esteem. The reason I eat, is to make me feel better, I struggle with my self esteem - and don't feel beautiful, and so I eat to feel better, which results in me gaining weight.  It's a vicious cycle. Not only that, I am so focused on food, instead of what is important that I am missing out on what God wants me to do and to accomplish, and teach my children.  Change is my only option, and yet, it's interesting that I am experiencing feelings that want me to run back to what is familiar.  Feelings that tell me that …

Let's be Honest

Today I am more energized about this whole weight loss idea. I finally was able to put my order in, and I am looking toward the future. I've been reading a book lately called, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst, and a chapter called, Made for More really opened my eyes to why I have this eating problem, and I am made for more in life than being a slave to what I eat.  Every time I sit down to a meal, I feel as though I have to eat enough in case I don't get to eat again.  I don't know where I picked that up, but for 99% of the days I've been alive, I've eaten more than once.  

My biggest  excuse to eat is celebrations, but it does seem that I have something to celebrate at every meal, be it that it actually is a party or holiday, or that I feel like I've had a hard day and deserve to eat.  I was talking to my sister the other day, and telling her I didn't know how I would do on the diet during celebration times.  My sister has never had issues with food, and l…

Here - in the waiting

So, I finally get up enough guts to do this thing, set up in my mind a diet plan of action, prepare myself by reading books about why I can't control my weight, and now I can't get a hold of the woman who has the diet plan.  I'm in this weird state of limbo - my brain constantly going back and forth between whether I should start now, watch my food and intake and lose some weight, or eat everything I can get my hands on because starting soon, I won't be able to.  I am hoping that I still weigh only the whopping 203 lbs, but I've also taken to avoiding the bathroom because the scale is in there, and it might just jump out at me and demand to tell me my weight - and it might be more than 203 lbs. 

I got myself into this - Why is getting out such a struggle? I don't feel sorry for myself, I just want to change the bad choices I've made. I'll get there, I know I'll be able to start soon, and that's when the real battle begins.  It's scary startin…

The Challenge

I don't challenge myself. I'm too comfortable, that's probably why. The hardest thing I've ever done was to experience labor, and that was only because I HAD to.  When my due date was finally looming over me, and I had not succeeded in convincing ANYONE else to take my place in the delivery room, I figured someone had better do it - and the best option was me. Cheers to you super moms out there who have successfully completed labor without the aid of a single Tylenol, in all seriousness, I salute you. But, that just wasn't on my radar and I was begging for the Epidural - which I never got...I like things to be easy, and quick and painless for the most part.  But, the lesson I learned on the day my son was born, was that some times hard work produces the very best reward, and as I cradled him in my arms the very next day I declared - I'd do that again.

But, like I say, I don't like to do hard things.  I don't like to be outside my comfort zone, and I cer…

"I think you've lost yourself, you don't know who you are any more."

I weigh 203 lbs.  TWO-HUNDRED and THREE pounds.  Even writing that down for it to be spoken out loud makes me want to curl up with anything I can dig out of the fridge and eat my way through it. When I looked at the scale yesterday afternoon I was sure that there was more something wrong with my vision than there was with my weight.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I've never - except during pregnancy, and you can hardly blame a girl for packing on the pounds when there's a baby helping out - been over 200 pounds ever.  It was never fun being around 190lbs but  it was sort of a strange place of pride for me, that even though I knew I let myself go, I never let myself go that far. 

Becoming a mother has been the single greatest joy of my life, so much so that I've done it far.  I want more than anything else to be happy, healthy and well adjusted, but so far things don't seem to be working out that way.  I am on my way to becoming morbidly obese, I…