Fighting Rest

Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Rest? How can I rest? How can this be what God is asking me to do? I'm weary, that's for sure.  I've been trying to organize my life, my future, which feels a lot like its dependent on how I perform for interviews and such things.  It means waiting, not knowing, while fearful visions of failure or being forgotten, or not quite being good enough play themselves out in my dreams with alarming frequency.  And God wants me to rest?

But, that means that I have to hand it all over to Him, because as I've learned over the last few nights, holding on to the stress and pressure of it all, makes for an uncomfortable mattress.  The students in my classes look at me with alarm and ask, "Are you tired?" Tired? I'm exhausted.  But, if I want to sleep, that means giving it all up.  Handing it all over, and not being in control.  I don't like not being in control. Because, if I'm not in control - what will that mean? 

I guess it means, that still, after everything, I don't trust God.  I think that I have the one answer, the right answer, and have barely consulted Him about the question.   That he truly couldn't have what's best for me at heart, because he's busy with other things.  Haven't you watched the news? It's overwhelming.  God must have his hands full - and then what are things left up to? Chance? I don't like chance.  Besides, I'm a Christian, and if God is busy helping elsewhere, I should be competant enough to take care of myself. 

But, the words don't change.  Come to ME. If I take the time, and go to Him, I might find that His hands aren't full after all.  All you who are weary and heavy laden. He want's me to put this burden I am carrying down at his feet?  To just leave it there unattended? Or worse yet, what if He goes through it and finds that all of the things I am trying to control are really little and kind of embarassing after all.  I will give you rest. Sleep.  Refreshment. A long chat, where He reminds me again that He loves me, and He wants the best for me. When this is all over, and I look behind me, I think what I'll see is his leading, all the way along, and all of my carrying, picking things up to tote around and worry about, won't amount to anything after all.