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Showing posts from July, 2013

It's a Love Story

There is supposed to be something magical about being eighteen.  I'm not really sure what that is as I study my reflection in the oblong mirror of my parents basement bathroom.  I wonder if people look back on eighteen with the same kind of nostalgia as they do on the comforting smell of their Mother's perfume on a shirt she doesn't wear anymore, or in the way that chocolate ice-cream in a cone tastes better outside on a hot summer day, than it does in the winter. Those are the memories that somehow push past the limits of real life.  I haven't felt the magic of eighteen, it seems more like a roller coaster than anything else.  I reach for my brush, and run it through my long, mousy brown hair that I like to pretend is more of a deep mahogany.  I debate the merits of a ponytail versus just pulling my hair partially back.  I wonder if he'll notice - if it will make him want to kiss me.  I've never been kissed by anyone before.  

I happily remember…

From Beginning to End

Life is so precious. Unfortunately we often don't take the time out to focus on that, being caught up with the busy-ness of the moment.  There are times that stretch out for me, months and months where everything seems to remain as it always was.  Then there are weeks like the one I've just had - that seem to be about the big things of life, the beginnings and the endings. 

My dear friend got married this week. I have seen her wait for the right man, pray for the right man, and now marry him.  I love weddings, the way families and friends come together.  Weddings offer such a beautiful hope for love, and for the future.  I could see the love clear across the face of my friend and her new husband - and it reminded me of something that I sometimes forget.  I still love like that too.  Weddings are the greatest celebration of the bringing together of two lives with an expectant hope looking forward.  Of course no one can guess what a marriage will bring them, my spirit is refresh…

This is the Life...

Sometimes I forget that I am a member of the elite.  I forget myself, and get scared of things that might make my life sad or uncomfortable.  Things that make me want to crawl away and hide myself, protect myself from the rest of humanity - and live selfishly and horde things to myself - as if that will offer some barrier to the world. I forget that the life I have, is unattainable for some and impossible for others.

When I stop to think about it, I remember that I was born in a society, wanted and valued.  Growing up I was encouraged to live my dreams, loved and supported while doing it.  I have been told to speak my mind, that my thoughts and observations are important.  I am loved by a husband and family, in a way that makes the wealthy pale in comparison.  When I saw this documentary trailer, it made me angry, and so sad.  I felt helpless, and so very small.Why am I so blessed?

I don't know what the answer is.  I don't know how to help, or what to do...not yet. I do know…

Recovering from the Lie

Recently, someone told a lie about me.  Not one of those kind of behind-your-back, nasty kind of lies, it was a strange one.  He said it right to my face, and as the words invaded our conversation like so many armed soldiers, though I was shocked by them, I didn't immediately recognize it as a lie.  After all, this was a person of authority in my life, and I've been taught anything, it's to respect authority.  I respect it to the point where I don't even realize when someone in authority may have malicious intent, because people in authority are supposed to have my best at heart.  But sitting here, with a jar of antipasto and a box of cookies, I'm starting to think that the lie affected me even more than I originally thought.  Ok, I know I can't solve life's problems with a jar of antipasto, but on the off chance it's clearing my head, I'm think the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones..." might have been misquoted.  

Now, this i…

From the Emerald Blooded...

I saw a post on Facebook a few days ago.  A friend of mine is building their first home. What kind of reaction would you expect? Excitement? Encouragement? Nope. Not from me. Instead a tiny, pinched voice from somewhere deep inside...Of course they can build a house, and have a new house.  They have a full time job! The little diatribe went on for a bit longer, but it was overshadowed by the voice of realization. That one came out loud and clear.  You're Jealous! I literally stopped as the thought hit me - and I realized that it's true. I get jealous - easily. 

It was kind of a shock to my system.  I never really thought about it before, I just assumed that I was above such things.  Yet, as I really thought about it, I could pinpoint several instances when I've opened my mouth, or thought things that are judgmental toward others - when the root of it is jealousy.  This innate belief down deep in me that I'm not good enough - or that I am somehow better than others, show…

When I Married You...

Eight years ago, when I married you, I thought I knew what marriage was.  I had it all figured out, it was two people, just us every minute of every day - and there was no one else in the world.  I would get to spend all my time with you, and be adored by you, and all of the yucky things like snakes, and spiders and fears and sadness, would simply disappear - because it was just me and you and together we could beat anything.  Eight years ago, I would have said, we are perfect for each other, that we are the very best of friends, and that marriage isn't so hard to figure out as long as we had each other.

Eight years is a long time - and as days transform themselves into weeks, months, and years, it becomes more and more clear that not only did I really not know what marriage is, but that I am still trying to figure it out.  It turns out, that you wanted more in a best friend than just someone who was infatuated with you, someone who would only tell you what you want to hear.  Inst…

Guts and Glory?

There she weaves by night and day,
A magic web with colors gay,
For she has heard a whisper say, 
A curse is on her if she stay 
To look down on Camelot.
(The Lady of Shalott - Tennyson)

That quote comes from one of my favorite movies, and very favorite heroine's of all time - Anne of Green Gables.  It's the part in the movie when Anne convinces her friends to reenact The Lady of Shalott and while reciting the ballad finds herself in a leaky boat sinking to the bottom of a river.  Perhaps not the best thought out plan - but that's why I love her.  Anne and I couldn't be more different, she is impulsive, and gets herself into trouble, she's passionate and brave - where I am cautious, overly so, I avoid conflict and I rarely speak my mind.  In fact, when trying to settle on a "girl" name before the birth of my daughter, I think that was why I was so attracted to using Anne (with an E of course) as a part of her name. Though I could do without the impulsiveness, I…